A tantrum is often a child’s way of reacting to something they can’t handle in a more mature way, like talking about their feelings, explaining what they want, or simply following instructions. Instead, they get overwhelmed by their emotions. If expressing their frustration—through crying, yelling, kicking, or even hitting—ends up getting them what they want (or helps them avoid something they don’t like), they might start using this behaviour more often.
Here are some things you can try to reduce the chances of a tantrum:
What Are Tantrums?
Tantrums can look different for each child, but they all involve a surge of intense emotions like anger, frustration, or distress. It’s when your child “loses it” and can’t seem to control their feelings. You might see screaming, stiffened limbs, an arched back, kicking, flailing, or running away. In more extreme cases, children might hold their breath, vomit, break things, or hurt themselves or others during a tantrum.
Why Do Tantrums Happen?
Tantrums are especially common in children aged 1-3 years. At this stage, they’re still developing their social, emotional, and language skills. Since they can’t always express their needs or feelings clearly, they may become frustrated. They’re also learning that their actions affect the people around them. For young children, tantrums are a way to express and manage feelings and attempt to control their environment.
Older children can have tantrums too, often because they haven’t yet mastered healthy ways to express or cope with their emotions.
For both toddlers and older kids, several factors can make tantrums more likely:
- Temperament: Some children are naturally more sensitive and react strongly to frustration or changes in their surroundings.
- Stress, Hunger, Tiredness, and Overstimulation: These can make it difficult for children to stay calm or manage their emotions effectively.
- Difficult Situations: For example, a toddler might struggle when an older child takes away their toy.
- Strong Emotions: Feelings like worry, fear, shame, or anger can become overwhelming and lead to a tantrum.
How to Make Tantrums Less Likely & Help Your Child
1. Make an Assessment
The first step is to understand what triggers your child’s tantrums. This involves observing what happens before, during, and after the outbursts. Mental health professionals call this a “functional assessment,” which helps identify patterns and potential causes. Sometimes, looking closely at these patterns reveals underlying issues that may need attention, such as trauma, abuse, social anxiety, ADHD, or learning disorders. For children who continue having tantrums beyond the typical age, it often indicates they are struggling with managing their emotions, especially in situations that require self-discipline—like transitioning from something enjoyable to something challenging.
Many children who experience frequent meltdowns do so in predictable situations, like homework time, bedtime, or when they have to stop an activity they enjoy. For children with ADHD, meltdowns are often triggered by activities that are boring or require them to control their physical energy, such as long car rides or visiting relatives.
Taking online parenting courses can help parents who struggle with their children’s tantrums develop effective strategies and positive reinforcement. These classes can help in shaping long-term behaviour changes.
2. Responding to Tantrums
How you respond to a tantrum can significantly affect whether the behaviour happens again. One key approach is to avoid giving in to the tantrum by giving the child what they want. For tantrums that aren’t dangerous, the goal is to ignore the behaviour and withdraw all attention. Even negative attention, like reprimanding or trying to persuade the child to stop, can reinforce the tantrum.
Instead, focus on rewarding the behaviours you want to see. When a child makes an effort to calm down or follows instructions without throwing a tantrum, give them positive attention. By reinforcing calmness, compliance, and problem-solving, you’re teaching valuable skills while reducing the likelihood of future meltdowns.
It’s important not to try reasoning with a child while they’re upset. Don’t engage when they’re not in a place to listen. Instead, encourage problem-solving when both you and your child are calm. For children who struggle with this, you may need to break down problems into smaller steps to help them understand and communicate better.
3. Learned Behavior
When tantrums are tolerated, especially in public, children may learn that throwing a tantrum can help them get what they want. It becomes a conditioned response—if a tantrum works even just a few times, the child learns that it can be an effective way to get their needs met. This intermittent reinforcement makes the behaviour more likely to continue.
The goal of a functional assessment is to identify triggers and find ways to reduce or change them, making tantrums less likely. Some triggers, like putting on shoes or getting ready for school, can’t be eliminated, but there are ways to adjust how parents and caregivers handle these situations to make them easier for the child. For example, giving kids more warning before tasks, or breaking down complex activities into smaller, manageable steps, can help prevent meltdowns.
Anticipating triggers and making tasks easier for the child to handle is key. If homework is a major source of stress, it could be due to attention, organization, or learning challenges. In such cases, breaking the task into smaller chunks, providing frequent breaks, and offering support in areas where the child struggles can make a big difference.
Parents need to understand that preventing a tantrum doesn’t mean giving in to the child’s demands. It means addressing the issue without reinforcing the tantrum behaviour. By reducing triggers and avoiding tantrums, children learn to cope with frustration and setbacks more maturely, which strengthens their ability to handle emotions in the future. Fewer tantrums now can lead to fewer tantrums later.
4. Modeling Calm Behavior
It’s crucial for parents to model the behaviour they want their children to learn. If you’re feeling angry or overwhelmed, take a step back and remove yourself from the situation. It’s hard to problem-solve effectively when you’re upset—your brain’s capacity for clear thinking decreases significantly when you’re angry.
Being calm and clear about your expectations helps you communicate more effectively with your child. Both you and your child need to develop techniques for self-soothing. Simple tools like slow breathing can help both of you stay calm. Breathing is always available and easy to practice, so it’s a great tool for calming down in stressful moments.
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